During the second week of June, 2012, my mother began what would be the last week of her life here with us. Of course, at that time, we didn’t know that.
My family and I went about the routine we had established in the previous 7 months, caring for her as the cancer, which began in her pancreas, was tearing through her body like a school of ravenous piranha.
My sister, brother and I went about our usual routine, which typically included us bossing her around — a fact which she was quick to share with the hospice nurses.
“Mom, take your meds.”
“Mom, try to eat this.”
“Mom, don’t try to stand up on your own.”
“Mom, how much did you drink today? You need to drink more, Mom”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, where’s your pain, Mom?”
And, on we went with our questions and our prodding, not realizing how futile they were.
My mom’s life cycle was about to take its last turn here on Earth.
As that final week began, I had just returned from racing in Connecticut at Rev3 Quassy. Racing and training made me feel guilty, but if I’m being honest, it was a welcome distraction from the stress of caring for my mother, of watching her waste away, and, on the night she passed, of watching her fight those final moments of life. Those moments were cruel and tortured, and they haunt my dreams even still.
It seemed clear she didn’t want the cycle to end.
To state the obvious: this cycle of my life was not happy. It was stressful. It was sad. It was frustrating. It was infuriating. It was terrible.
I spent most of the winter tired and depressed. I was not myself, although I tried to be, going through the motions of the holidays. I learned after my father’s passing in 1999, that if I let myself sit on the couch and mope, I might not get up for 2 years.
My friend Courtney, who also lost her mom to cancer, and I were talking about the ups and downs of life. It is a conversation I will remember forever.
She said, “Life is a cycle. When you are down, it will eventually get better. But, it’s hard to believe that when things are terrible. And, when things are good, we need to be grateful because it won’t always be that way.”
Her wisdom comforts me when life cycles downward, and it reminds me to appreciate the amazing blessings when life hits an upswing.
I miss my mother dearly, and on the anniversary of her passing (June 12), it seems surreal that she is no longer here. But, even still, I feel the warmth of the coming summer season, and it fills me with hope again.
It seems that things may be cycling up for me.
As I raced at Bassman and then at Eagleman, I thought of my parents and was filled with a gratitude so deep that I weeped just a little bit in their honor. (Okay, regular readers of this blog, you know I’m given to weepiness…)
As my life cycles up, I hold an attitude of gratitude for the blessing to move my body the way that I do, to push my limits in ways that empower me, and to feel the amazing beauty that is this human life.
Yes, life is good.
