Asking questions, seeking answers

After three years of working toward a slot at the Ironman World Championships, the goal became a part of my identity, my decision making, my lifestyle. Now, the race is long done and dusted and the mysteries have been revealed.

So, what’s next?

My interest in the 140.6 distance has all but disappeared, while my desire to participate more in the ultra world (both triathlon and running) continues to grow. Even so, I haven’t settled on “THEE” goal that drives me. On the one hand, I’m totally okay with that. I’m having a low-stress, fun year of racing and training so far.

On the other hand, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend–the KQ dreamer. As one of my readers Wes commented on my IMCdA race report, “This race was so close for you, on one hand, I wanted you to get the Kona spot and on the other, I wanted the drama to carry on like a good novel you don’t want to finish.”

stopped believing

While I certainly didn’t want to go another race without grabbing a slot, I absolutely know what Wes means. The drama was pretty exciting, right? Who am I if I’m not “the smalltown girl” who doesn’t stop believing, trying to make it to Kona?

Obviously the sum of who I am is not simply my journey to get a slot to Kona–even if almost all of the posts for the past 3 years came back to that theme.  The thought of doing another 140.6 right now leaves me wholly uninterested. That’s how I know it is time to move on and write new chapters, explore new adventures, dream new dreams.

The trouble stems from the way my new dreams are just in snippets right now. You know when you wake up and you remember 3 interesting but seemingly unrelated details from a dream, and you can’t quite figure out how they all fit together? That’s how I feel about my endurance goals. I’ve got some interesting details, but I haven’t quite put them all together just yet.

I’m still believing – I’m not 100% sure in what just yet.

In the midst of this soul searching about who I want to be when I grow up, I received an email from a reader (who I’ll call Joe), asking me some provocative questions about my motivation. While a part of me didn’t want to acknowledge my struggle with a stranger, the process of answering the questions was very helpful for me.

Here’s a screen shot of the email I received (note: While Joe allowed me to post parts of our discussion, I want to protect his privacy. Therefore, I’ve deleted references to his name and email address):

Screen shot 2015-05-15 at 2.27.47 PM

These questions lead to more than just a private exchange between Joe and I. Most of us seek answers to the questions of why we do what we do, how we can improve ourselves, and how we can be happy with who we are. Joe mentioned that these are issues I haven’t addressed fully on my blog, so perhaps I should. Here’s how I responded to that email (with some edits given the format):

Question 1. Big Goals as Motivation

I don’t believe that I have achieved an ultimate end point in my performance. There are always new goals, new achievements and new ways to continue on this endurance journey. Performance isn’t just about podium placements or fast times. Even once age fully slows my times down, I believe there are other ways to find enjoyment and achievement.  I watch the faces of the men and women in their 60s, 70s, and 80s cross the finish line – and there is achievement there. When I crossed the finish line of my first and second Ironmans, a solid back of the packer, there was achievement there.

Kona was one goal – it was never an endpoint for me. If I hadn’t achieved Kona last year, I would have stuck with the sport for sure. I love it. It has changed my life in many ways that I really really love. It may not always be easy, but that’s part of the appeal for me.

While I like to be competitive, competition is not the only thing that motivates me to do triathlon. To name a few other reasons: I enjoy the training (most days – hahaha!), I enjoy race day (separate and apart from the competition, which is why I spectate races as well), I enjoy pushing my body in ways that I didn’t think were possible, and I enjoy the community.

Along the journey to Kona, I collected other goals that have been on a waiting list.

Doing a Double IM was one of those goals. Now that I’ve completed the Double IM, I have additional goals in that area that I will pursue in 2016.

I’m also planning to run my first 100 mile race in the Fall, at the Javelina Jundred. So, my journey continues along new paths 🙂

Running down the North Kaibab Trail, Grand Canyon R2R2R, 2015.
Running down the North Kaibab Trail, Grand Canyon R2R2R, 2015.

When you say your “times are right around average…without much chance of any significant improvement” – why do you say that? It sounds like you’ve already decided what you are capable of without kamagra seeing if you can push those limits.

The most important thing I learned in the 3 years that I built toward qualifying for Kona: your mindset is crucial to achievement.You need to BELIEVE – otherwise, the hard work won’t pay off on race day.

Now, I’m not saying you need to set Kona as your goal. But, I do recommend that you find goals that are realistic for you – but challenging – and work toward them. That’s an excellent way to find enjoyment in the sport – at least for me.

Even if your times are what they are and they won’t see much improvement for whatever reasons, I think it’s important to find joy and satisfaction in the process – more so than the outcome. I learned that lesson myself. The present moment is the reward – and the journey through all the challenging moments brings such satisfaction!

What is it that motivates you? Find your “reason why” and hold on to it.

Question 2. Body Image as Motivation

Yes, I struggle with body issues, and have my entire life. Despite that, I would not give up athletics to have an “ideal” body. I’m relieved to be able to answer this question truthfully in this way.  I can’t say I would have answered it this way 5 years ago. That’s not to say I don’t have moments where I cringe at the sight of my body – I do. Spandex is not my favorite.

However, I’ve come to appreciate the function of my body more than its form. I know what my big legs and butt can do – so I’m proud of them in a way that I wouldn’t be if I only cared about how they look. So, yeah, I’d rather be the part than look the part.

I appreciate that you’ve shared your experience with body issues – it’s a deeply personal struggle. I had a very hard time “coming out” about it on my blog, but since I did, I’ve heard from so many people – like yourself – sharing their story with me. And, I know we struggle together.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy with the way my body looks – that’s very doubtful. But, sport gives me a space to appreciate my body for what it can do, and for that I will always be grateful.

[Joe responded to the above comments by talking about how hard it is to find a level of acceptance and the ways in which we berate ourselves when we eat the “wrong” things or too many things. I responded to that email as follows.]

I understand what you mean about the level of acceptance. It’s a challenge for me at times as well. In my training leading up to the double, I gained some pounds (that I’m still holding on to). I thought that I would have LOST weight with all of the high volume training. Sadly, I did not. And, I have berated myself as well for it.

I don’t always win the battles.

And so we continue on with our journey to find acceptance. I know that people can tell you all sorts of positive things – but it’s pretty much impossible to trust other people when the voices in our heads are such harsh critics. I have never looked at my body and been completely okay with it. I just try to counter the voices with different ways to see the things that don’t fit the ideal. I also use humor quite a bit. I know that’s not always the healthiest approach to make fun of one’s self, but I think it’s probably better than me yelling at myself.

Finding a space of acceptance connects directly to how we think of ourselves, so we need to quiet the mean voices. One thing I started doing about 5 or 6 years ago was to force myself to say 5 positive things about myself every time I caught myself thinking something negative (got this idea from Don Fink’s Be IronFit book). The negative self talk isn’t always about food or appearance, but frequently it is. Positive self talk is no magic pill, but it did teach me to catch my negative thought patterns and learn how to re-frame them.

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Joe’s questions are important ones because they aren’t just about my or his experiences. These questions speak to the transitions and turning points that many of us experience not just in sport – but in life.

How do we find the motivation to keep pushing our limits? What do we do when we become motivated in unhealthy or destructive ways? How can we learn to like ourselves just a little bit more?

It’s important for members of communities to share positive experiences and triumphs with each other, as this discussion can fuel motivation and inspire action. But, just as importantly, we need to have candid conversations about the struggles and challenges that we must work through on the way to achieving our goals (or even finding the goals we want to set for ourselves). I hope to have opened up a space for just such a discussion.

How would you answer Joe’s questions? Please join the discussion in the comments below.

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